Community Leader Navigates Recovery and Grief
Part Two
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
Tyshaun Perryman has been involved in community outreach for over 20 years. He currently works as a Community Engagement Liaison for BSAS (Bureau of Substance Addiction Services).
In Part One of this story, Perryman discusses the challenges inherent to the nature of his work, how he copes with grief, how he maintains his recovery, and how he finds effective grief support.
Perryman’s story continues as he shares his viewpoints into emotional dynamics, the rigors of working in outreach, and how people in recovery can overcome destructive patterns.
Managing Emotions
“It takes practice to accept that loss is going to happen,” Perryman begins. “You will become emotionally attached to people you are helping. But at the same time, you have to learn how to detach emotionally, when necessary, without losing yourself. I believe that grief and depression can be addictive states of mind, and that these mindsets are survival mechanisms which can become excuses.”
“Imposter syndrome relates to this as well,” Perryman continues. “When you are afraid of success, you’ll do anything to sabotage opportunities that come your way. Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism. Addiction is similar, in that it is a survival mechanism. When you take drugs or drink, your mind sees the euphoric feeling as protection and tells you that you need more of that substance to keep coping with everything going on in your life. After this behavior is repeated, the substance takes over mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.”
“When you are grieving, people come to see you, support you, and give you sympathy. You can become addicted to that. When it is time to go back to work, you can resist doing so because it is outside of the comfort zone your coping patterns have built around you.”
Nuances of Grief
“Death and grief are natural,” Perryman continues. “The concern is when grief becomes chronic, and you are unable to come to terms with a certain situation. That can cause you to internalize, to withdraw, and to abuse yourself with your own grief.”
“If you lose someone with whom you were codependent, that codependency can shift to your grief over the death of that person. Just as you can’t let them go, neither can you let go of your grief over their death. This can make you feel like you have no purpose, which can lead you to becoming mad at the person you lost, or at God, without accepting that death is inevitable.”
“Death can be so sudden, and as selfish individuals – which is part of human nature – we say, ‘Oh, this was not supposed to happen to me, not now,’ As if we wrote the book on when death is supposed to happen.’”
“I believe that natural reaction is one of the inherent flaws of our humanity,” Perryman says. “The problem is when we stay stuck in that reactive state. At some point, you have to move out of the ‘This is not supposed to happen to me’ mindset, to accept the circumstances, and find ways to manage the situation.”
Side Effects
“Martyr syndrome is another concern,” Perryman attests. “This can happen to you if you see yourself as the hero of the family, the one who is always strong for everyone else. When a loved one dies, you’re always thinking about others and setting your own emotions aside. In doing this, you can create resistance to your own feelings. Through our inability to accept responsibility, by resisting it, we create a lot of our own problems. This includes the creation of our own chronic grief.”
Perryman’s lived experience has informed his opinion on grief-based relationship dynamics. He suggests that, “When people find themselves without purpose after the death of a loved one, they can become immersed in chronic grief. This condition can occur, not as a reaction to the death of a loved one, but rather as a reaction to the fact that they no longer feel needed.”
“How do we move forward when therapy and the help of the community seems to have failed us?,” Perryman asks. “The answer lies in identifying that you have the power to move through your grief by aligning your life with tangible outcomes that can add validity and power to the direction you want to move towards.”
Room for Improvement
In his two-plus-decades of outreach work, Perryman has made some astute observations about the industries built around the opioid crisis.
“From my viewpoint, I feel that there are aspects of the recovery world that are built on and dependent on a continuum of struggle,” Perryman explains. “If the pain and suffering is alleviated, what happens to your profession? Take for example, a police officer whose only job is to fight violent crime. What if crime goes away? What do they do after that?”
“This is one of the reasons why people stay in treatment or therapy for a long time. The providers know that the person has the power to overcome their struggle. But because an individual is not willing to do what it takes to overcome their addiction or process their grief, they keep circling through the same exercises – which keeps the treatment provider in business. If someone keeps repeating the same curriculum, they are not in a transformative process.”
“People can adapt to a curriculum, such as relapse prevention, and become numb to it,” Perryman says. “Nothing changes when nothing changes and the next thing you know, they’re automatons. Some of these programs are not built to heal someone’s condition.”
“Some people are content with their suffering, and there is a big difference between contentment and happiness,” Perryman says. “That’s the importance of harm reduction. Someone may not want to let their addiction go, but they don’t want that substance to make their life unmanageable. Similarly, some people are looking to just grieve their whole life in safety.”
Informed Solutions
Perryman is at the forefront of founding a recovery organization called Insightful Recovery Solutions. “I am developing the curriculum based on my unique perspectives on recovery,” he says.
“I am developing this organization based on my lived experience. I intend to deliver a more insightful view on the root causes of addiction, including addiction to grief. I want to offer an in-depth perspective informed by how I have learned to thrive despite the setbacks I have experienced. I want to help others help themselves through this by breaking down the practical, humane components of the grieving process.”
“I am looking for clients that need support, are interested in accountability, and need help getting over the hump. One of the reasons I started Insightful Recovery Solutions is because I am still in the process of my own transformation. I want to help people be honest and transform despite their grief or addiction.”
“Lived experience is every bit as powerful as education and meritorious experience,” Perryman concludes, “Especially when delivered in an insightful context. Just as a tree produces a tree, and a bear produces a bear, a person who has overcome grief, while keeping their focus on the big-picture and serene, inspirational living, can support and help others do the same.”
“That’s the mission of Insightful Recovery Solutions. It’s about reclaiming your power. From my viewpoint, there is nothing stronger than the human spirit. When tragedy occurs, we can often lose our power and will to live by becoming victimized by the circumstances. Rather than do that, we can recognize that we have the power to dictate how we live. We can choose to live with acceptance and to get the maximum experience out of life by transcending life’s difficulties.”