Grieving Mother Forgives and Heals
Part One
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
For many, grief is an all-encompassing storm which blurs the capacity for reason – especially when a loved one dies unexpectedly.
When Clarissa Turner’s son, Marquis, was killed on November 29, 2011, she found herself at a crossroads. She could either surrender to tragedy or rise to the circumstances and find the strength to forgive.
Inspired Leadership
Turner is a matriarch of her community and an active member of Communities for Restorative Justice. This Boston-based nonprofit restores trust within communities by supporting those affected by crime, including offenders, victims, community members, and law enforcement.
Turner is also a founder of Legacy Lives On, a nonprofit ministry which supports those affected by the loss of loved ones to street violence and homicide.
“I come from a Christian background,” Turner begins. “My faith was passed on to me from my grandmother and my mother. I thank God that I know God.”
“Before losing my son, I would bear witness to the news stories about homicides happening in the community. I prayed for the individuals and families who were impacted, never in a million years thinking that would be my reality.”
The Last Night
“My son went to his girlfriend’s house one night; they had just got an apartment together. It was a Monday evening. I remember hugging him on the porch. We both said, ‘I love you,’ and he said, ‘See you tomorrow.’ That tomorrow never came.”
“The next day I was calling and calling, but he did not pick up. Around 1:00 a.m., there was a knock at the door. It was the police. They came in and asked me to sit down, and you know what that means. I told them I didn’t want to sit down as I took inventory of my kids. All of them were home except for Marquis.”
“I asked them what was going on. I could tell they didn’t want to tell me, so I started asking questions. ‘Has he been arrested? Is he in jail? Has he been in an accident? Is he in the hospital?’ To each question they answered, ‘No Ma’am.’”
“Finally, I asked, ‘Is he dead?’ They said, ‘Yes Ma’am.’”
“I couldn’t understand it. It took me back to God. ‘Why me?’ I asked. ‘Why my son? I go to church, I pray, I pay my tithes. Why me?’”
“When the police left, I fell to the living room floor. I screamed and cried. I always wondered what people meant by the term ‘wailing.’ For the first time, I wailed – that deep cry from your inner core. That was my rock bottom.”
Pivotal Choices
“Many times, in the aftermath,” Turner continues, “I asked, ‘Why me?’ One day, I asked that to someone who replied, ‘Why not you?’”
“At first, their reply threw me off, but then, on a spiritual level, I understood. Why not me? What makes me exempt from the world’s troubles? I went back to the Bible, which says, ‘Many are called, but few are chosen.’”
“Today, I am in a whole different mindset. I can honestly say, my son was called, and I was chosen to do the work I am doing today.”
“I have always worked in community,” Turner says. “Even before losing my son. I was a doula for 10 years and I worked with church outreach and at youth centers. When I looked back and assessed my life, I realized that God had prepared me for this.”
“When I was younger, I helped bring life into this world. Now, I am working with death – the loss of life. Through these different capacities, I have learned a lot of technique and structure, on top of the lived experience of what I had to go through.”
Loss and Support
“My family has a history of indulging in drugs. My son had two cousins around the same age. They considered themselves siblings. The pain of the loss really overtook one of his cousins, and we lost her three years ago in a substance-use-related car accident. I am now raising her son, whom I’ve had since he was three months old.”
“It’s a blessing how things turn out sometimes. I lost my son, but I am raising my niece’s son. She and Marquis were close, and now they are back together.”
“Eventually, I started a support group and the local library. A bunch of us came together to support one another after the loss of a loved one. We help each other with the overwhelming pain of loss. It was God’s amazing grace that it has grown from a family/organization to something bigger.”
Kindred Spirits
“Around the time of the trial of one of my son’s killers, I was introduced to Restorative Justice by Janet Connors. She also lost a son to homicide, and she has been a force in the community for years. When I met her, she shared about how she was able to meet the individuals who killed her son. I was in awe of the idea. ‘How can you even talk to them?’ I wondered.”
“We are both in a documentary,” Turner continues, “Where she hugs one of the men who killed her son as he apologizes to her. You have to be strong to do something like that. I said, ‘I could never do that.’ But today, that is my story too. Never say never.”
“God has blessed us with the platform and the opportunity to go into prisons and courtrooms. We work with probation officers, lawyers, judges, and district attorneys. We can witness transformation right before our eyes – to bear witness to individuals who were once incarcerated and are now home, giving back to their communities, and being part of the solution.”
“Some of these individuals were told they were going to face life in prison,” Turner says. “Today they are home making change with the help of Legacy Lives On, as well as on their own. This is a true blessing.”
A Voice is Heard
Recently, in association with Restorative Justice, Turner had an opportunity to face two of the three men responsible for Marquis’ death. “The week before the trial, I had to accept the fact that they were being offered a plea bargain due to the findings in the case,” she says. “At the hearing, I had the option to do an impact statement, which at first, I didn’t want to do. But the judge was insistent and asked me three times if I wanted to speak. I felt like God was calling me, and I needed to go up on the stand.”
“I was affected by seeing the young men’s parents cry for them and for what they had done to my son. What parent wants to fathom the idea that their child killed someone?”
“I introduced my son to the court, I called each of the assailants by name, and I forgave them – which was not my plan. When you pray, trust God – trust the process. The way I walked in was not the way I walked out. I went into court that day heavy, sad, broken, and angry. I don’t hate anyone, but I had hatred for what was imposed upon me and my family.”
“As I spoke, I began to feel lighter, like layers were being taken off me. When I walked out of that courtroom, I felt like a new person. I had to release it all and leave it there. When I left, God had a whole new plan for me. All those jobs I was doing before were out the window. The situation transformed me.”
Pain to Purpose
“The work I am doing today, because of the loss of Marquis, is so impactful. We encourage this to individuals who lose loved ones, because life goes on. Sometimes we don’t feel we have the right to go on living without our loved ones. We imprison ourselves – we hold ourselves in hostage situations because we can’t fathom being without them.”
“When you lose someone, what do you do with that? Many people start organizations, or they write a book like my friend, Motivated by Mathematics, has done. You can write poetry, songs, music, and make YouTube videos that help other people.”
“Forgiveness is freedom, but it takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t want to try and forgive another because someone else told you to. It is something you must feel.”