Wisdom on Grief Triggers Passed Along
By Tanya Lord, SADOD Director
I remember my first Mother’s Day following the death of my son, Noah, at the time our only child. I was at a new church trying to find my way in grief and sort out my beliefs. I had been there once or twice before, and, in my shyness, I had pretty much stayed to myself. I was fairly sure no one knew me or the grief that I carried.
As the service ended, mothers were wished a Happy Mother’s Day and told that small gifts were being given to all mothers as they exited. I looked behind me to the sanctuary exit and realized that two women flanked the doorway holding decorated baskets. I froze in my pew. I had not expected anything like this, and I was overtaken by panic.
There was no way that I could imagine walking past them. This was not the first time I had felt a grief trigger, but it was the first time it was this big and happening in public. I needed to retreat, get away from everyone and get to a safe place to be alone with the strong feelings. I searched for another way out, and I wondered if it would be worth setting off the emergency exit alarm.
But there was no way out except past the smiling women and their festive baskets.
As my panic rose, so did my body as I felt I needed to get out immediately. By doing so, I ended up being the first person to walk toward the two women. As I approached, I looked at the ground and avoided all eye contact. Taking a deep breath, I quickened my step to speed by them. I felt a gentle restraining hand on my arm, and I paused. Then I felt one of the small gifts being pressed into my hand. I was drawn into a hug, and the woman whispered, “You are and always will be a mother.”
My panic stilled, my tears started, and I held tight to this woman.
This grief trigger made me realize I needed help in figuring out what to do when that level of emotion strikes in public, especially when there won’t be kindhearted people to help.
I turned to my peer grief group. I asked about triggers and how to handle them. It was there that I realized I was not alone. Others have been triggered as I had been. Grief triggers happen. They are a part of the grieving process.
The following are links to a recent presentation I did on coping with triggers, and here is a link to the slides.