Bereaved Husband Writes Guide to Surviving Grief

Gary Sturgis has turned his grief journey into a book filled with helpful guidance for bereaved people.

By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor

Author Gary Sturgis has accomplished a rare literary feat by melding poetic sentiment with practical advice.

SURVIVING: Finding Your Way from Grief to Healing documents the death of Sturgis’ husband, Rob, the subsequent slog through the mire of grief, and the gradual clearing of the fog of pain.

In a recent interview about his four-part treatise, Sturgis elaborates on the many nuances of grief, Western society’s treatment of death, substance-use related grief, peer support, and more.

Part One: The Loss

The initial section of SURVIVING demonstrates Sturgis’ attunement with his readership while establishing an intimate familiarity with the topic. The reader is carefully guided through the onset of grief, especially in cases where the death of a loved one has yet to occur, but is imminent, nonetheless.

VOICES: When did you begin to differentiate between pain and grief and realize that pain can be overcome but grief cannot?

Sturgis: I don't think we ever get over our grief and I also don't think that we want to avoid the pain either. The grief will stay with me for the rest of my life because I'll never stop missing the person I loved and lost. Pain is something we have to experience to get to a place of healing and I did what I call the 'grief-work' and felt all the emotions and feelings that went along with my loss. In time, the pain lessens, and as for the grief, I just learned to live around it, instead of letting it be the main focus of my life.

VOICES: How much time should someone put aside (on average) when they decide they are going to "lean into their grief" for the first time? Any useful "day of" tips?

Sturgis: Grief is so unique, and each person's experience is based on their own relationship with the person they lost. There's really no time-frame for when a person should lean into their grief, but the important thing is not to avoid it. You can't go around grief, over it, or under it, you have to go right through it. Feeling all the emotions of grief, as difficult as that may be, is really the only way to find your way out of the darkness.

VOICES: At what point in your grief journey did you stop comparing your grief to that of others?

Sturgis: I believe in some way we all feel that our loss and grief is worse than everyone else's. Once I joined a support group, I realized that everyone has a story and each one is just as important as the next. In a sense, everyone that's suffered a loss can say, "my grief is the worst grief", because in a sense, it is. Only that person truly knows what it feels like to experience the loss of that person and relationship.

VOICES: When did you begin to differentiate between pain and grief and realize that pain can be overcome but grief cannot?

Part Two: The Pain

In this segment of SURVIVING, Sturgis emphasizes the importance of talking about your grief with others who have had similar experiences. The text also delves into the various physical side effects of grief, the downfalls of being too “busy,” coping with the holidays, and communicating with children.

Sturgis also examines grief from a socio-psychological standpoint, discussing common reactions to death such as anger, denial, and stigmatization.

VOICES: You talk about letting go of the pain without letting go of the person. How hard was that for you?

Sturgis: It's really important not to let the loss define you. I didn't want to do that. I figured I had two choices, to get to work on living, or to get to work on dying. By holding onto the pain, it was actually keeping me from feeling the love that still exists. I wanted to get to work on living, and to do that I had to honor what I lost. By letting go of the pain, it allowed me to move forward in a healthy way. Not leaving who I loved behind but taking them with me in my heart.

VOICES: What are some healthy ways grieving people can channel their anger?

Sturgis: Anger is actually a necessary emotion to express in the grieving process. Some you loved died, why wouldn't you be mad, right? Holding in the anger, only hurts the person that's holding it in. Letting it out is a healthy way of letting it go. Smashing a shovel was my method but there's a lot of options, like punching a pillow or screaming when you're alone in the car. Anything that doesn't hurt yourself, or anyone else, can be really beneficial in releasing it.

Part Three: The Difference

In this segment of SURVIVING, Sturgis examines the difference between loneliness and being alone. He urges readers to confront their grief, to make friends with it, and to find faith. The text also demonstrates the value of peer support, and the importance of letting others help you.

VOICES: In your work as a grief group facilitator, how often do you encounter people grieving the loss of a loved one to substance-use-related issues?

Sturgis: Very often. It's a very common loss, and many people I've encountered have told me their story and how painful it is to lose someone to this type of loss.

VOICES: How is this type of loss unique to other types of grief?

Sturgis: Those who’ve lost a loved one to addiction often feel guilt and shame because they think they should have been able to prevent the death. Often, family members and friends search for ways they could have helped more or look for what they did wrong. Unfortunately, these feelings of blame prevent loved ones from being able to move forward in life. It's important for someone to seek additional help beyond a support group with this type of complicated grief, such as a licensed counselor or therapist.

Part Four: Healing

The final section of SURVIVING presents the prospect of rediscovering hope and joy. Sturgis skillfully walks the reader through the process of allowing pain and love to coexist, and the importance of distinguishing between toxic and healthy relationships.

VOICES: What are some common ways grieving people can be duped, and mistake companionship for completeness.

Sturgis: There's a common and natural feeling after losing someone you love to feel like you're nobody without the person. This is particularly the case if the person was the primary focus of your life. It's important to remind yourself that you still matter, and that you're here for a reason. Life without the person you lost may be different, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad. Taking care of yourself, and reaching out to others, especially if you're helping them, can give you purpose, and make you feel needed and less alone.

VOICES: Perhaps I missed this, but do you facilitate your groups in conjunction with Hope Floats?

Sturgis: Many of the support groups that I facilitate take place at Hope Floats Healing and Wellness Center in Kingston. The groups are one of the many services that Hope Floats provides to those that are grieving a loss. Some of the groups I facilitate are also at senior centers, assisted living facilities, schools, and hospitals.