Recovery Community Embraces Peer Grief Support
Part Four: Noel Sierra, Massachusetts Organization for Addiction Recovery
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
This series explores the emerging role of peer grief support across the recovery community.
Noel Sierra is the Executive Director of MOAR (Massachusetts Organization for Addiction Recovery). Sierra has been working in the recovery field since 2015 as a Recovery Coach, Recovery Coach Supervisor, House Manager, and more.
Sierra’s experience offers insight into the importance of peer support, the various teachable skills for people in recovery, and the effects grief can have on those in recovery.
Gathering Support
“As an advocacy organization,” Sierra begins, “We have group-based programs that support leadership, family, and spirituality through the lens of recovery. We talk about multiple pathways, harm reduction, trauma, as well as mental health and wellness.”
“We are exploring our options for offering peer grief support in the near future,” Sierra continues. “Being in long-term recovery is what helped me cope with the loss of certain individuals – be they colleagues or friends I have lost to addiction and overdose. What helped me in my experience through grief was being grounded in my faith, which was the basis for my strength, peace, and comfort.”
“Individuals in early recovery don’t necessarily have the foundation for coping with grief and loss. As we know, there are different stages of grief, and unless you are really grounded in your recovery, you are prone to getting stuck in one of those stages.”
Strength Amid Loss
“What helped me in my experience through grief was being grounded in my faith, which was, and still is, the basis for my strength, peace, and comfort.
Sierra recalls a situation in 2015 where someone he was helping died from an overdose. “Losing people you care about is a gut-punch,” Sierra explains. “I was this person’s rep-payee (finance manager), and I had just taken him out shopping. We got him everything he needed, I left him $20 for cigarettes, and I took him to his house and helped get him situated for the night.”
“That was on a Friday night, and I was off work for the weekend. The following Monday at work, I discovered he had overdosed and died over the weekend. That was hard for me because I was just with him.”
The way I coped with that was by talking about it with my supervisor. She told me to take the day off. What did I do? I called my mentor and talked to him about how the situation made me feel. We prayed about it, and he prayed over me. Learning how to cope with that loss was difficult, and as a matter of fact, that was the first loss I had ever experienced – and it was the hardest.”
A Framework of Support
“Having a support system around me is what helped me to process my feelings. This is one of the reasons why I have learned to ask people I work with in recovery what their support system looks like. Who supports you? Who uplifts you? Who encourages you? Who do you turn to?”
“I ask these questions because I know what worked for me in terms of having a support system. When you’re dealing with loss to addiction and overdose, your support system is your foundation for coping with grief.”
“Quite frankly,” Sierra continues, “Back in 2015 I didn’t know peer grief support groups even existed. Regardless, what I had around me was enough for me. My wife was a big part of that support. We have been together for 25 years now. Having her there for me when I get home and just hugging my kids was the best thing for me.”
“Everybody has a pathway and a way to grieve,” Sierra continues. “I suggest peer grief support groups for everyone, because just like with recovery, there’s a pathway for everyone. I endorse whatever you find that works for you, helps you, supports you, and uplifts you. Having a support system built on a strong foundation – whatever that may look like – is what helps people.”
Live and Learn
“Something I’ve learned through all of this is that you can’t tell someone how long to grieve. That should be a written rule because you hear so many people make comments like, ‘You’ll get over it,’ or ‘Oh, get over it – it’s been a year.”
“I never say things like that. I say, ‘You don’t get over it, you get through it.’ You never get over losing someone to an overdose. You learn how to cope with it.
“I was recently speaking to someone who lost her brother to an overdose. I suggested that she look into peer grief support groups offered by SADOD or The Sun Will Rise. I encouraged her to remember the good times you shared and the laughs. I try to uplift and encourage people in the most positive way.”
“My co-facilitator in teaching recovery skills in group settings went through a hard time. We worked together for over a year. She lost one of her best friends to an overdose and that was one of the straws that broke the camel’s back for her. She went back to using – just one time – and died from an overdose. That was four years ago, and I never went to counseling for it.”
Close to Home
“I had a dog who died, two years ago,” Sierra says. “One of the best things ever was just sitting and talking to my dog. He never interrupted me, talked back to me, or tried to coach me. He just looked at me and listened. He was one of my support systems. I never thought I would get depressed over the loss of a pet, but I did. He was my buddy, my sounding board, and I miss him.”
“I lost my grandmother, my grandfather, friends, family members, aunts and uncles – not to overdose – but to other circumstances. Learning how to cope with life on life’s terms is key. When I think about death and loss, I’ve concluded that they are part of life.”
“I also lost my mentor of 18 years. He was the one who truly helped me and guided me. My stepfather died two years ago as well. He stepped into my life when I was 11 years old and he helped me tremendously. Even losing my father-in-law was tough, although we didn’t get along the first five years of my marriage, we eventually became very close.”
“My father-in-law passed away in September of 2023,” Sierra continues. “Two weeks later, my dog died, then a week later, my stepfather passed away. The thought of going to get a drink crossed my mind at the time. It was then that I looked up and said, ‘Lord, I hope this is enough, because I can’t handle another loss right now.’’
“Again, having that strong support system and being able to lean on them helped me – my wife, my family, my church family. Just being able to sit in my car and cry was important as well. It’s garbage when they say that men don’t cry. You need to pack that up and take it somewhere else. Because do you know what? We cry and it is OK to emote when you are feeling sorrow.”
Stepping Up
“I am Puerto Rican, and we have this machismo crap that we are not supposed to show emotions. Get out of here with all that. I am going to be strong for those who need me to do so, and I am going to uplift those who need it, but I do have moments where I need to be by myself.”
“My stepfather passed away on September 25, 2023, and the next day was MOAR’s Recovery Day Celebration. I was the emcee at this event. Nobody knew that he died except for my boss, and when I told her, she asked me, ’Do you need to take the day off? Someone else can emcee.’ But in my mind, I had a responsibility to fulfill. Halfway through the event, I had to go for a walk through Quincy Marketplace, then go back into Faneuil Hall, make my way backstage, sit behind the stairs, and cry. That day was a test for me as well as a testament of the support I had.”
“I have some great peers. They somehow knew I was struggling. One of them came up to me and asked if I was OK. I had an anxiety attack, and he went and got me some pizza and just sat down with me in silence.
“That’s an important point,” Sierra concludes. “Sometimes, when we are supporting someone who is struggling, we feel obligated to say something. Sometimes, you just have to shut up. The simple act of sitting next to someone, at times, is enough. Just sit with me and be there for me. I thank God for the people who can do that.”