Couple Walks Side by Side Through Grief
Part Two
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
On February 24, 2021, Gregory Mark Shea II died of a fentanyl overdose. In honor of their son, Alyson and Greg Sr. founded the 143 Gregory Foundation.
Part One of this story explores the Shea’s initial reaction to the death of their son and their foray into outreach as a means of coping with their loss.
Through community outreach, the Sheas have found a way to channel their grief while leaning on one another when the pain is too great to carry alone. Their foundation provides practical assistance and compassionate support while championing awareness, prevention, intervention, treatment, and recovery.
Challenges Abound
“Alyson is a registered nurse by trade,” Greg says, “And at first, she couldn’t even work anymore – she just couldn’t manage. I would go to work, and she would be in bed. Then I would come home, and she would still be in bed in a deeply depressed state.”
“I didn’t want to leave the house,” Alyson says, “Because I was afraid that someone would come up, start talking to me, and judge me – judge us as parents. We struggled with that, and we have come a long way. Now we are talking, engaging with others, and we are not embarrassed.”
Greg adds, “On top of the grief and mourning, we felt guilty about how our son died.”
“It has been four years since we lost him, although it seems like yesterday,” Greg continues. “Alyson and I both have that recurring video loop in our brains of the morning we found him, what we went through, and the following week of the wake and the funeral. It was a blur. We were on automatic pilot mode, but we were able to function and get through the day.”
“You could. I couldn’t,” Alyson reflects.
“It was total devastation and loss,” Greg says. “When I was finally able to get Alyson out of bed she dressed in all black for a year.”
Progress and Stigma
Alyson eventually went back to work, switching from nursing to hospital administration. “All of my coworkers would pull out pictures of their kids and talk about them – which we always used to do together,” she says. “I found this very difficult to deal with and I know they weren’t doing it intentionally. But I would go back to the office and cry.”
“I would have these visions of a young person coming in, which was never an issue for me before, and I knew I would not be able to care for the patient like I previously could. I knew I would not be able to face a parent or a family member and give them bad news about their child or loved one.”
“We have met a lot of other parents who have lost a child right here in Scituate,” Alyson continues. “It is devastating, and you grieve for them because you know what they are going through. But some of the comments they make, without realizing it, are stigmatizing. They will say, ‘My child died from an accident,’ although they actually died from an overdose. That is hard to deal with when you come across it.”
“Yes, some people are open about it and others are the opposite,” Greg agrees, “We found there are those who won’t acknowledge publicly that their child died of fentanyl poisoning. They feel like their loss reflects poorly on them as parents. At first, we wondered if we were bad parents for losing our son that way. We wonder what our level of blame was and what we could have done differently. Alyson and I struggle with that every day.”
“It is difficult to help someone who is in denial,” Greg continues. “We decided we were not going to be private about it. We wanted to go forward, openly acknowledging how Gregory died, trying to help others in similar situations, and trying to help young people avoid tragedy.”
Talking to Teens
“We try to tell our story in a way that high school kids can identify with our son and see themselves in him and what he was going through,” Greg explains. “Maybe they can notice that they have some of the same struggles whether it is depression, anxiety, or trouble with schoolwork. What Gregory did, and what a lot of kids do, is self-medicate instead of talking about it.”
“We word our approach so that kids can realize that difficult feelings are common for teenagers and they don’t have to turn to drugs to deal with them…and if they do, they could wind up dead. We emphasize that overdose death among teens is not a rarity and that they are not invincible.”
“We address the issue from an adult’s perspective and from a kid’s perspective,” Greg says. “Not because we know more than anyone else, just that we know what we experienced. Our son was outgoing, happy, popular, enjoyed sports, excelled in football, and very social – but because of fentanyl, he is gone. If we can spare another family from going through what we did, we are heading in the right direction.”
Pervasive Danger
Alyson offers insight into the commonality of fentanyl overdose deaths among teens. “In a six-month period, our oldest son had three friends die from overdose,” she says. “They were all smart, good kids. In one of the families, the parents decided to try and hide the facts, but since this is such a small town, everybody already knew what happened. They all died from cocaine that was laced with fentanyl. Kids think cocaine is a safe drug, we know it isn’t.”
“None of the drugs are safe,” Greg adds. “To be more specific, there is not a street drug out there right now that isn’t laced with fentanyl – whether it is cocaine or pressed pills made to look like Xanax, Percocet, or Adderall. They look like real prescription drugs. It is Russian roulette.
Reaching Out
“I was very angry about what happened to Gregory,” Alyson says. “I felt like nobody cared. To the police and politicians, he was just another number. Regardless, Gregory’s father and I and I reached out to a politician in our area – Senator Patrick O’Connor. We worked with him on a bill which was designed to give judges and law enforcement more power to sentence large-scale cartel operatives and to offer treatment and rehabilitation, rather than jail time, to lower-level dealers.”
“We testified at the State House, but the bill did not go through – it was put on the back burner for research,” Alyson explains. “Basically, it died.”
“Like Alyson said, we have such huge anger towards how fentanyl is pouring into the country and killing hundreds of thousands of people, and nothing is being done about it. Now, there is more focus being put upon the issue, but our efforts have been very frustrating. We reached out to many lawmakers and Senator O’Connor is the only one who responded and said, ‘I want to help you.’ He has been unbelievable. He took charge, wrote the bill himself, brought us in to testify for it, and was very supportive.”
“It has been frustrating,” Greg continues, “And we expected some adversity. But the great thing about Senator O’Connor is that he has already refiled the bill for this upcoming legislative term to try and push it through again. We told him we are available anytime anywhere to do anything we can to support the bill. Whether it is to come to the State House, go to a hearing, or stand on the corner with a street sign. We are lucky that he responded and that he is taking action, because nobody else did.”
Staying the Course
“The 143 Gregory Foundation keeps us busy, which is good,” Greg says. “The busier we are, the less we dwell on our loss and the more good we are doing in our son’s name.
In April of this year, the Shea family hosted the Gregory’s Run for Hope 5K. The event was a huge success, which encouraged them to continue bringing the community together. “After the success of the 5K, we have already scheduled our next event,” Greg says. “This will be a golf tournament in August. It will be called Gregory’s Drive for Hope. It will be held at Widow's Walk Golf Course in Scituate. We are a bit intimidated, but we are also excited. Our daughter’s boyfriend is an avid golfer as is his mother, so we have some expertise on our side.”
“When we were both coming out of the initial fog of grief, we knew that we both needed mental health support,” Greg says. “Our son passed away at the tail end of the COVID-19 pandemic, and at that time, therapists were very hard to come by.”
“I am a retired police officer,” Greg says, “And I have been in recovery for 11 years. So, I reached out to the Boston Police Peer Support Unit. They were able to connect us both to therapists through McLean Hospital. I went to therapy every week for three years, which was very helpful.”
“I am still in weekly therapy,” Alyson says. “I am so thankful for them. It has helped me quite a bit. We also reached out to The Sun Will Rise for their online peer grief support groups. It’s been four years, and we are still grieving.”
“Yes,” Greg adds, “But we are much more functional than we were in the beginning.”
Reflecting on their experiences over the last few years, Alyson offers poignant insight. “I don’t see our journey as moving on, I look at it like we are bringing Gregory with us.