Storyteller Grieves Mother and Brother
Part Two
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
In Part One of this story, Alix Maria Taulbee shared unique insight into the short- and long-term dynamics of grief. She lost her brother, Damien, to an accidental overdose when she was 17. Her mother died of a rare form of cancer in 2022.
“I am now 32,” Taulbee says, “The same age my mom was when she had me. It is a bizarre feeling. Unless you’ve been through it, you don’t get it. Now that I am married and living in a state I never thought I’d live in, I am finding new ways to be happy. Even on days when it’s only 51% of me wanting to be happy and 49% of me wanting to be sad, I am going with the 51%.”
An Inspired Mindset
“It is okay to be happy. I am not disrespecting my brother and mother by doing so. As David Kessler says, experiencing grief is all about finding meaning. Part of that is knowing that their lives were so much more than their deaths.”
Like her affinity for Phantom of the Opera, Taulbee finds meaning in other pivotal moments in cinema. “I recently watched The Last Samurai. There’s a line at the end of the movie when the Emperor asks Tom Cruise’s character, ‘Tell me how he [Samurai] died.’ Tom responds by saying, ‘I’ll tell you how he lived.’”
“That phrase is so powerful; I would get it tattooed on me. It perfectly encapsulates how I have been able to morph, transition, and find meaning in my grief and the lives of my mom and my brother.”
“I could easily go down the path of saying how unfair it all is. I cope with grief by remembering how they lived. I have only a handful of memories with my brother, but I am going to enhance them and bring them with me.”
Perspective and Purpose
“My husband never met my brother, but I tell him not to focus on the negative circumstances I have described to him. I ask him to focus on the man who was my brother – the first person to ever buy me a dozen red roses. He explained to me how a man should treat a woman, and he even taught me how to pump my own gas.”
“It is bizarre to go through all these major life events, like getting married and buying a house, without my mom being here to share the moments. I know she is here, but just in a different way.”
Taulbee finds balance through the deliberate pursuit of happiness and self-care. “I have to remind myself that it is okay to be happy and moving forward in life,” she says. It is vital to find a healthy outlet. Find something that excites you and allows you to be yourself without trying too hard or having untenable expectations. Listen to your inner voice when it tells you that you are in the right place at the right time.”
“I have found this through Kenpo Karate,” Taulbee continues. “Growing up with older brothers and having been in the film industry, I dabbled in martial arts here and there. But with my husband having four black belts, including a third degree in American Kenpo, I have immersed myself into martial arts over the past couple of years. He has his own school in his hometown of Zanesville, Ohio – Ian Lauer’s Kenpo Karate.”
“I have found a community of people through my husband’s school and his parent school out in Los Angeles, Bryan Hawkins Kenpo Karate, that have given me a sense of purpose, community, and normalcy. I didn’t realize it until I was in the thick of it, how desperately I needed it.”
Write it Out
“Since I was 11, writing has always been my outlet,” Taulbee continues. “I started when my family had an intervention for my brother. I was too young to participate in it, but I still remember that day. I’ve been in the entertainment industry for over 20 years, and at that time, I was already a child actress working on my first starring role. Over the years, I could connect with my characters and various stories through writing. This was one of those moments when writing said what I couldn’t verbalize.”
Taulbee recalls the difficulty of being a sibling of someone battling substance use. “You always have that feeling of waiting for that 4:00 a.m. phone call. You just know it is going to happen. A couple of months before Damien passed away, he was on watch at a hospital. I remember pulling an all-nighter writing a story about the two of us, not knowing exactly why I was creating such a narrative when he was still alive.”
“The first week after Damien died, I poured everything into writing and poetry. I wrote a poem called, “Hey There, Tidal Wave,” which equates grief to being immersed in an incoming tide, and you have to struggle to keep your head above the water in order to simply breathe.”
Hey There, Tidal Wave (excerpt)
…I feel as though I should fade
To black now as I fade into another act
That is indeed a fact
‘All the world's a stage’
Shakespeare once wrote
Yet in this act I’m just trying to stay afloat
I think I can conquer this fight
It is on the horizon
It is in sight
Although the curtain is now closed
And you don’t know how it has finished or will end…
Rise to the Challenge
“Often, when we are faced with grief over the death of a loved one, it is easy to say, ‘I’ll never be the same again. This part of me will always be broken or gone.’ I would encourage people to challenge that notion. My husband presented that challenge to me, and it really woke me up.”
“After my mom passed, I was convinced I would never be the same. I remember my husband asked, ‘Why can’t you be happy again? Why can’t you love, laugh, and feel happy emotions?’”
“I encourage people who are grieving to bring their loved one’s legacy along with them as they move forward. Do the things you never thought you were going to do because this life is short, but it is an incredible journey, and it is important to learn to enjoy every bit of it.”
“Find the silver lining, find the one positive amid 99 negatives, find the ember of light that burns in the deepest darkness, knowing it is not a freight train. It is the light of hope, a lighthouse in your darkest storm. Challenge despair and grief by asking yourself, ‘Is this how I want to feel for the rest of my life?’”
Pursuit of Happiness
“Some people take comfort in sorrow during challenging times. Somehow it makes them feel more grounded and closer to their loved one. If it brings you comfort, I respect that, but you don’t have to feel that way forever. Happiness can exist alongside sorrow. If you feel happy, embrace it, whether it is for 11 seconds or 11 years – it is there to be experienced, and you deserve it.”
“Our journeys in life are not meant to be easy, nor are they meant to feel the same forever, whether it is good or bad, light, or dark. The journey can include the best of every world. The deepest, darkest, most horrible anguish can allow us to have a greater appreciation for joy and laughter. The joy and laughter tell the darkness, ‘Hey, this is not forever.”
“I am here, and I am going to make the best of it. I am going to pursue my passions, live in the present, and carry my loved ones with me. I don’t want them, upstairs in heaven, or in the universe, or wherever they are, to feel dragged down. If I am 51 percent happy and 49 percent sad, I am going to follow that 51 percent.”