Facility Director Supports Grieving Kids
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
Jonathan Gay is the Executive Director of The Children’s Room in Arlington. It supports grieving children ages 3½ to 18 who have lost a parent, guardian, or sibling and is the largest child bereavement organization in Massachusetts.
“The adverse risks of childhood bereavement are well documented,” Gay begins. “Grieving kids are at a higher risk for mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, and suicidality as well as substance use and academic challenges. Raising awareness around the specific types of support for children and teens is key.”
Clear and Present Danger
“Kids who have lost a parent, guardian, or sibling have higher instances of poor attendance in school, lower test scores, and increased difficulty engaging with the topics at hand. When supporting kids, it is important to focus on the fact that grief is normal. We help them understand the different emotions that come with grief and how to talk about those emotions.”
“We also help kids talk about what they can do to cope and who they can look to for support. These exercises are what can help a child process their grief and develop while having access to the support they need.”
While the loss of a loved one can occur in many ways, deaths from substance-use-related causes are of particular concern.
Specialized Grief
“Children’s grief is compounded when there is a stigmatized form of death,” Gay explains. “Almost 50% of deaths that affect kids are stigmatized. These can include accidental overdose, COVID-19, suicide, and homicide. Kids feel isolated because nobody is talking about death – no one feels comfortable bringing it up. Society at large has a hard time talking about death.”
“Judi’s House is a children’s grief support organization in Colorado,” Gay says. “According to their research, 102,000 children in Massachusetts will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the time they turn 18. That’s one in 13 kids, or almost two kids in every classroom.”
“My dad died of cancer when I was a teenager,” Gay explains. “That’s part of what brought me to this work. I was a teenager who experienced grief, and I felt very alone. At my high school, I didn’t know of any other kids who had this experience. While the data indicated there were kids in my peer group who went through this, no one was talking about it. I went 20-plus years before coming to The Children’s Room not talking about my dad.”
Dual Strategies
“The Children’s Room has two foundational approaches to grief support,” Gay continues. “The first focus is on peer support. What we hear from a lot of kids and teens is they feel alone, and that no one in their peer circle has had a similar experience. We connect kids who have had similar experiences and make it clear that they are part of a community. We let them know it is OK to share that someone close to them died. Our peer support model puts kids of similar ages into groups to allow them to connect with one another.”
“Our second focus is on continuing bonds,” Gay explains, “Which is the idea of maintaining a relationship with the person who died after the fact. This approach was developed by one of the founders of The Children’s Room, Phyllis Silverman. She was a researcher out of Harvard University.”
“Grief is hard to talk about to begin with, and in my experience, we didn’t talk about my dad’s death even though it was cancer – a well-known cause of loss – rather than a stigmatized one. The premise of continuing bonds is that you remember the person who died. Here, we use expressive arts, play, and mindfulness activities to give kids an outlet for remembering their person. By remembering that person, you can maintain a relationship with them, which I think is very unique and special.”
Developmental Support
“We facilitate peer support groups which are determined by age, and the programs follow the school-based calendar. Groups meet every two weeks.” Gay explains. “Most facilitators are volunteers who have been trained in grief support and can inspire conversations among the kids. Every group starts with a check-in; the child says their name and the name of the person in their life who died. This is the first step in continuing bonds – to simply name the person who has died. Every child has the right to pass on the check-in if they choose.”
“In some instances, you might have kids who have been in a group for two or three years, and then another kid shows up for their first time. This becomes peer support because the experienced kids, maybe without even knowing it, become mentors to the new kid through example – by sharing their loss, the name of their person, and showing how they process grief.”
“Oftentimes, a child who was once very quiet – after hearing their peers speak for a couple of weeks – they become much more likely to open up and share. We see varying stages of this, depending on the circumstances. Some are very comfortable with sharing details about themselves and their lives while others are very shy. Regardless, the invitation is always there.”
“We see kids at different stages in their grief and different levels of comfort in talking about it. One of the outcomes we aim to achieve is normalizing grief, and this is part of how we do it – by making it clear that it is OK to talk about it and it’s OK to share. We focus on decreasing isolation, increasing connection, and encouraging kids to talk about their emotions.”
Anatomy of a Support Session
“After the check-in, we do activities geared towards continuing bonds. One of them is called a memory object activity. We invite people to bring an object from home which represents their relationship with their loved one.”
“For my participation, I might bring in my dad’s silver belt buckle from Albuquerque, New Mexico – which represents the Native American tribes he grew up around. To me, it represents his cultural upbringing and the family he has in New Mexico. That’s how I can continue that bond with my dad.”
“Our facility is an old Victorian home. The whole second and third floors are set up as kids play spaces full of games and art. Sometimes we will do a memory scavenger hunt, where kids are invited to look throughout the house for something that reminds them of the person who died. They can then bring it back to the group to share. This helps the child go back into the memories of their person which can help maintain the relationship.”
“At the end of a group night, we invite the children and teens to light a candle in honor of a specific date or memory, an exercise which leads to mindfulness. For example, a kid may light a candle because their person’s birthday was that month. In doing so, they are given a voice for maintaining that relationship.”
“I went 20 years without even acknowledging my dad’s birthday was on November 2nd because it just wasn't talked about. So, when you’re thinking about grief support, continuing bonds and helping kids know they are not alone are the clinically informed best ways of helping children and teens who are grieving.”
“There are a lot of kids and families out there who have no clue that support exists,” Gay concludes. “I wish I had a program like this when I was young."
November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month. To learn more about supporting bereaved children and teens, please visit the National Alliance for Children’s Grief website.