Young Adult Copes with Sibling Loss
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
In 2015, Olivia Bean’s brother, Nick, died of a polysubstance overdose at the age of 20. Over the past nine years, her grief journey has been one of self-discovery, self-expression, advocacy, and service to others.
“Me and Nick are 14 months apart in age, ” Bean begins. “So, we did everything together. We got jobs together, we shared a car, and we were on the same sports teams. We were very close to the point where we would speak for each other. I talked for him when we were little and then it changed to him talking for me when we got older, because I have such bad anxiety. I would have him go in and ask for a job application for me, to be the speaking person to a potential employer.”
A Life-Changing Event
Although the siblings were close, Nick managed to conceal his struggles with substance use from Olivia. “He tried to not involve us in that part of his life. He kept that secret from us and the rest of the family. I never knew how much he was struggling until he came to the family and said, ‘I'm in too deep, I need help.’ That's when we all found out.”
“He was like a partner I was going through life with, and then he was gone. He was so young when he died. He didn’t have a super-long battle with substance use, and I feel like he didn’t get much of a chance at recovery. It happened just a few months before his 21st birthday and I had just turned 22. You don’t expect a sibling to die at that age. We should get to live our lives and someday become old people.”
“When Nick died,” Bean continues, “I don’t think I stopped crying for a week. I was so scared because I hadn’t even lost a grandparent at that point. It was a surreal experience. The whole family was at home when he overdosed. My mom found him. It was all so traumatic.”
“After Nick died and before I went back to college, I went to therapy,” Bean explains. “When I got to campus, however, I realized I needed to continue because I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t talk with somebody. I was able to find support, but it was scary telling administrators that I needed to see a counselor – that I needed therapy. But it was very helpful, even if I went for just a half an hour between classes. Otherwise, I didn’t have another person to bounce my life off unless I called my mom. I still go to therapy – I have an appointment tomorrow.”
Lonely Milestones
“I graduated college and last year, I got married and bought a house – which were very emotional events for me – because Nick didn’t get to do any of that. I have done the things he probably would have done too. It’s like I am experiencing them for both of us. In the last year I’ve had so many happy yet sad moments, like when he couldn’t be there at my wedding, which was very hard. But, we were able to acknowledge Nick in several different ways.”
“I felt Nick’s loss so deeply, but I also wanted to help myself. I knew I couldn’t stay that way forever, which was easier said than done. That’s why I started seeking out Facebook groups – looking for people like me. Sometimes I wouldn’t even post to the group, I would just read posts from others to validate that I was okay, that I wasn’t a wacko. So, therapy and social media peer support are the two main ways I got through college. It was a crazy time for me. I am super proud of myself for getting through school. It took a lot of crying.”
In the initial days of shock, blur, and grief, Bean reached out to those in her inner circle for support. “I really leaned on my family, especially my mom, and my close friends. When somebody dies, especially in a tragic, unexpected way, people really come out of the woodwork. I didn’t like that distant relatives and people on social media wanted to get involved.”
Sibling Concerns
“In the early days, I decided I needed to isolate and write to Nick, so that’s what I did. We have another sibling, Jake, who is three years younger than me. He handled things in a completely different way. I wish I spent more time checking in on him, but I was focused on myself because I didn’t know what to think or what to do. He was still in high school and was definitely more like, ‘I’m keeping this in. I’m not going to be emotional.’ I don’t think he even said Nick’s name for three, maybe four years.”
“When you’re a teenager, three years difference in age is a lot. Now that we are adults, I feel like Jake and I are more the same age emotionally. But I still have to initiate the conversation if I want to talk about Nick. I lead into it lightly. If I bring up a memory about Nick, it’s easier to get Jake to respond.”
After encountering stigma in various forms after her brother died, Bean has noticed a gradual change in how others react to a substance-use-related death. “I felt apathy from others for many years, but people are coming around,” she says. “People who may have avoided me in the past, are reaching out to me for help. I am known as the person with the brother who died from drugs. People feel comfortable reaching out to me about their family’s drug-related problems. I try not to internalize it too much, because I can get very invested, and it can be draining.”
“A girl I graduated with contacted me and said, ‘I see all you do with your mom (Robyn Houston-Bean) and my brother is struggling with addiction.’ She was looking for advice and resources. I gave her links to websites and told her where to find help. I don’t know if I want to be the person they turn to, but on the flipside, I like being helpful. It seems like people are getting more comfortable asking for help where they wouldn’t have before. Maybe my circle is getting older, and people are becoming more mature. That could also be the case.”
Self-Care Strategies
“I unfriend people on social media like it is going out of style. If someone posts something I don’t like, they’re out. That is something I do for self-care, to create a safer space for my own mental health. Also, I let myself feel. I allow myself to take a moment to cry and scream sometimes. I have to be verbal about it, so I acknowledge my anxiety and sadness. Saying things aloud, as a personal validation is helpful. I don’t need a fix or anything, but I tell my mom, ‘I’m sad.’ and she’ll say, ‘I know,’ and sometimes that’s enough for the moment.
“During the holidays, it is especially important that I be aware of my feelings. I have to say, ‘I’m lashing out or I’m being cranky because it is Christmas and I don’t like this time of year, it makes me sad.’” Bean says she sometimes apologizes to her husband, Tim, adding, “He gets it. He has also had a loss in his life.”
“I like going to the cemetery, and I know some people don’t, but it helps me feel closer to Nick. I go there during holidays and around other big events in my life. Since we first started dating, Tim has always been cool with my quirky need to talk about my dead brother. I talk about him in the present and say, ‘I’m going up to visit Nick.’ I introduced them by saying, ‘Nick, this is Tim,’ and he played along. We brought our wedding flowers up to the cemetery. I needed to do that because Nick was part of it, he wasn’t just a forgotten person in the midst of it all.”
“In the summer, I love going outside and being with nature. Last year was the first year I was going to be away from home for Nick’s anniversary. I was anxious about that is because I get so emotional. I was on a hiking trip with two of my best friends from childhood and I decided I had to do something for that day. I brought a marker and we wrote little messages for Nick on rocks and left them. Later that day, I’d held it in all day and I just cried, and my friends were fine with it. Finding a little something to do definitely helps me acknowledge him.”
Advice for Coping
For a young person in their early 20s experiencing loss, Bean offers poignant advice from lived experience. “Try and be as present as you can. The brain wants to close you off from things, which is fine, but try to acknowledge your feelings. Vocalizing your feelings helps immensely, whether you say them out loud to the air or find a person or a group to talk to. Try not to get swept away in the idea that everything is going to shit, which it is, and know you will come out of it very different than you were before.”
“I am forever changed. Sometimes I wish I could be the naive young person I was. I look at photos and think, ‘Wow, I was so happy and I didn’t even know what life was about.’ Those first hours and days after losing a loved one are going to be super traumatic. How you get through it depends on how much you help yourself.”
“Just like with addiction, you have to want to help yourself. You don’t get better from the grief until you want to. You have to want to get through the day, but no one can force you.”