Bereaved Mother Turns Loss into Peer Support
“I want this to be Francis’ legacy – helping other people who have had loss, who have struggled, and who have families that don’t understand what they are going through.” – Aileen Lovejoy
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
In 2013, Aileen Lovejoy’s son, Francis, died of an opioid overdose after struggling for more than 20 years. In his honor, Lovejoy strives to spread awareness about substance use, to reduce stigma through education, and to help others who are grieving.
“I think it started with a lot of resentment Francis had about me marrying my second husband, because it was just the two of us for so long,” Lovejoy begins. “We learned he was drinking, and I took him to counseling which led to AA meetings. Everything was going great – he was still a teen at this point. He made me proud by going to college, but he could not interact with others like college kids do. The drinking came back, and he got kicked out after three months.”
“He came home and thought he was going to hang around and do nothing, like this was a joke. I thought I would do the tough love thing and soon he was out of the house. From that point on, he was in and out of the house after getting arrested or getting in some kind of trouble. Over the years it went from drinking to using other substances.”
Trouble and Hope
“I was one of those ignorant people in that I had no idea that using drugs and alcohol was a disease. I had no clue at all – even up to when he died. When my husband died in 2004, Francis was still out there on the streets, and I felt bad, but I didn’t let him come back because he was still using. I would see him, and I then wouldn’t see him for a couple of years. It was a tough, tough time.”
“Then, in 2011, I found out he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I thought that was going to change his life, and it did for a short time, so he was back in my life. He was struggling to stop using. They were staying at one of her family member’s houses, and a month after she had the baby, he started reconnecting with the old gang. Eventually, her father convinced her to take a restraining order out against him, so he never got to see his daughter after that, only through pictures.”
Struggle and Stigma
“From 2011 to 2013, he went back and forth trying to get help. I only know this because one of my brothers-in-law was very instrumental in his life, stood by him during the tough times, and understood that he really just needed some support. He would take Francis in for Suboxone treatments and that’s what he was doing six months before he died. When my dad was dying of cancer, I picked Francis up to go say goodbye to his grandfather. When he was at my dad’s bedside, he picked up a framed picture of his daughter and just started crying. I know he wanted nothing more than to be a part of her life, but he struggled. He didn’t know how to get out of where he was, to stop using.”
“The day after that was his 41st birthday, and two days later was Mother’s Day. He called me and said, ‘Mom, I’m really sorry I didn’t come over, but you’re really going to like the gift I got you.’ A few hours later, I got the horrible call from the hospital. The doctor said, ‘Your son is here at UMASS and he’s dead.’ It couldn’t have been more heartless. The stigma I was dealing with from the doctor, the staff, and the social worker made the experience all the more horrifying.”
Connection is Key
The stigma continued once Lovejoy found her way to a grief support group. Other bereaved parents were there to talk about having lost their kids to various causes such as car accidents and illness, but when the time came for Lovejoy to talk about her son’s substance use, she felt ostracized from the others. “I didn’t last at those meetings,” she explains. “So, for two years, I had no support.”
After networking with neighbors and acquaintances, Lovejoy met Deb Dowd-Foley, who lost her son, Brian to substance use. The duo decided to start their own grief support group in 2015, which they co-facilitate to this day.
After affiliating with several organizations, Lovejoy’s group finally aligned with The Sun Will Rise, becoming an integral part of a growing grief support network. “I find it to be very healing, just the act of being there, sharing our stories, and letting other people share theirs. My experience in the corporate world as a meeting facilitator was useful, but the key experience is having gone through the loss and being able to listen to people.”
Inspired to Learn
Lovejoy and Dowd-Foley started participating in International Overdose Awareness Day, attending presentations and other events. Lovejoy cites the work of Dr. Ruth Potee as a major inspiration and a steadfast resource for learning how to address the disease of addiction. “Dr. Potee would host events at schools and other community venues and talk about substance use in layman’s terms. That was a big source of healing, because it took away some of the guilt while educating me. I listened to her time and again, I don’t know how many of her events I attended. I may not be able to articulate exactly what she says, but the more I learned and the more I shared with other people, all of a sudden it became my mission. I need to do this in honor of my son. I need to educate other people, so they don’t have the same ignorance I had, so they don’t face the same stigma I did.”
“Along the way, the more educated I became, the more I could help people. I have been invited to speak at several colleges in the Worcester area. When I share Francis’ story, I let people in attendance know I am going to be emotional but not to worry, because I am sharing my love for my son. It is ongoing healing, even after 10 years, it can still bring up a lot of emotion and that’s OK, because he existed and he will exist forever, he was here, and he is still here in my heart. I want this to be Francis’ legacy – helping other people who have had loss, who have struggled, and who have families that don’t understand what they are going through.”
Failed by the System
“I became part of the Purdue opioid lawsuit, and in doing so, the prosecution asked if I could get any of Francis’ medical records. He was using prescription opioids, which led to him using heroin. I assumed he was in hospital periodically around the Worcester area. I was able to procure 10 years of his medical records and what I read broke my heart. This kid was reaching out and telling them, ‘I am just going to end it. I need help and I don’t know what to do.’ It was right there in black and white, and they let him go, time after time. He was begging for help, and the medical community failed him.”
“I now believe “the gift” Francis mentioned was that he was going to relieve his pain and relieve mine too. I think he overdosed intentionally. I think that final set of circumstances broke him and drove him to that point. Nobody else can see that but I can, and that’s all that matters. That was his gift to me, there was no physical gift. My sister-in-law told me this once and so did one of my brothers – that Francis said to them during his struggles, ‘I know my mother loves me unconditionally.’ I never knew he said that, and it warms my heart to know he knew that.”
Enduring Purpose
“So, that’s why I do what I do. I do it in his memory, to honor him, and pray that his legacy of helping other people lives on. As indirect as it may seem, Francis drove me in this direction – to do this work. I used to work in the corporate world, and none of that matters. This is what I was meant to do.”
For someone who is newly bereaved, Lovejoy offers a tried-and-true strategy for expressing grief and finding community. “The key is to find other people who are walking this path. There is nothing more healing and comforting than being part of a community, even if it is just one other person. Knowing there is someone who will listen to you, someone who understands, someone you can trust with your loved one’s story – that’s the big thing. That’s the beginning of a walk in the right direction.”
Aileen \joined the staff of SADOD as a Peer Grief Support Specialist in January 2023 and is now the coordinator of the Peer Grief Ally Program. Anyone in need of direct support can contact her at [email protected].