Bereaved Mom Holds On by Letting Go
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
“...there are millions of people all over this country living in absolute agony, pretending to be someone or something they are not, wearing a disguise just to get them through the day in hopes of feeling as little pain as possible.” – Katrina Tagget, The Misconception of Suicide
In the fall of 2008, Katrina Tagget was entering her fourth year at Michigan State University with a 4.0 GPA and a bright future. Although challenged at an early age with dyslexia and ADD, she overcame these and other obstacles to become an exceptional student.
On September 20, around 6:30 PM, high school math teacher Sara Tagget received a phone call from one of her daughter’s college friends. “The person asked, ‘Is this Katrina’s mom?’” Sara begins. “I said ‘Yes,’ and then I heard a blood-curdling scream in the background. Then the person said, ‘She killed herself.’ The person in the background screaming was one of Katrina’s best friends.”
Sara continues, “I got a hold of the police and they told me she was dead, that she shot herself, and I didn’t know what to do. We all gathered at the house, realized what happened, and that we had to start dealing with it.”
A Proud Parent
Sara speaks about Katrina with the calm conviction of a mother dedicated to preserving her daughter’s memory. “I do not want her known for just the way she died, but also for the way she lived. She was incredible, she couldn't read until the fourth grade because of dyslexia, but she was very diligent about going to a tutor once a week during school and every day in the summer for four years.”
“On campus at Michigan State, she volunteered at the Resource Center for Persons with Disabilities," Sara continues. "She was such a good advocate for her own learning disabilities and what she needed to succeed, but she was also a mentor for other students. In the midst of going through all of this anxiety, she put on a happy face and helped all of these other people.”
Katrina’s troubles were known, but mostly within the family. “She had lots of friends but she rarely shared the depression and anxiety,” Sara says. “We just thought she was moody and that she would outgrow it. She would say things like, ‘Mom, I’m just so sad.’ Little did we know it was a cry for help. I didn’t understand depression, I didn’t understand anxiety, I didn’t understand the risk of suicide. The summer before she died was probably one of the best summers she had.”
Hidden Clues
Aware that her daughter was prone to depression, Sara was on the lookout for signs of deeper trouble. “I would look in her room for drugs and alcohol,” she says. “I never knew to look into her writings. She was a really good writer. Before she died, she had written an academic paper called The Misconception of Suicide." In it, Katrina presents some rarely-considered insights into one of society’s most stigmatized causes of premature death: “The act of killing oneself is absolutely taboo, to the point where someone who even considers doing such a thing is often taught to feel ashamed. If someone wants to end their life, as much as it might hurt, we must remember that person is probably going through more pain than we can spin our heads around,” Katrina writes.
The paper is dated September 20, 2008 – the same day Katrina died.
The Perfect Storm
“I found out that on her last day she partied, went to a football game, went back to her room with friends and they partied some more,” Sara states. “Then, they went walking around and Katrina was very, very drunk. She was saying things that were quite concerning, so her friends called 911. They had to give the operator a street address, so the two friends went looking for a street sign, leaving Katrina unattended for a moment. Unbeknownst to them, she had a gun.” Sara offers further insight into this, saying, “I am convinced she was an alcoholic. It was her way of coping.”
Sara shares her story in order to honor Katrina while confronting stigma. “I do this because if we don’t talk about our stories, then we are stuffing our grief down and we are ashamed. Yet, there is nothing to be ashamed about. The person who killed themselves, they chose that, whether they were in their right mind or not. If I can’t talk and other survivors can’t talk, how do we expect the world to start understanding more about grief and about suicide and about death in general?’ she asks. “Like I said, I didn’t want her to be remembered just by the way she died. Even though she is dead, any day I can say her name, she comes back alive. She’s always with me, but now she’s here with everybody else.”
Honoring Kara
After Katrina (aka Kara) died, I was like a drowning person,” Sara continues. “That’s how I got involved with the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). I didn’t know anyone, personally, who had lost a loved one to suicide.
The incident took place at the beginning of the semester, and Sara was able to recoup Katrina’s hard-earned scholarship money. She used it to start the Katrina Tagget Memorial Foundation and the Katrina Tagget Scholarship Fund.
This proactive approach to the circumstances led Sara to discover International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, an event orchestrated by AFSP. When Sara attended this event for the first time, she was inspired by seeing a 16 year-old girl speaking to a large group about suicide awareness. “I got involved, sat on the board, started helping survivors, and doing events at my school under the AFSP name,” she says.
Sara’s outreach and activism extends to a wealth of initiatives and projects, including Katrina Tagget Crisis Services Day. This fundraiser occurs twice per year, on April 30, Katrina’s birthday, and on September 20, her Angel day. Proceeds are donated to support 24 hours of Crisis Services at Grassroots Crisis Center in Columbia Maryland.
Sara’s additional projects in honor of her daughter involve events with Pi Day By Day, fundraisers for Change Matters, AFSP Lifekeeper Memory Quilts, Art for Life, Compassionate Friends, Active Minds/Send Silence Packing and more.
Sara’s Self-Care
After the life-altering tragedy of losing her daughter, Sara had to face her own set of emotional struggles. “I didn’t know I had gone into a deep depression,” she says. “ For six years, I had migraines, and I was prescribed an antidepressant because I was thinking about how I would kill myself and my husband and son would be OK without me.” Through self-care and outreach, however, Sara forges onward with plans to enjoy her recent retirement. She works with her three dogs, Lucy, Desi, and Vivian on scent work, agility, and freestyle events through National Association for Canine Scent Work (NACSW) and serves as a certified nose work instructor and scent work judge.
Sara’s years as a survivor have taught her valuable coping skills. “You have to surround yourself with people who are going to try to understand, and you have to get rid of those friends who are all about themselves,” she says. "You have to let go of the anger, fear and shame and hold onto the good memories. You don’t get through this, you learn to live with it.”