Grief Survivor Guided by Heart
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
“Listen to advice but follow your heart.” – Conway Twitty
Don Lipstein is the founder of Imagine Family Recovery LLC, which he describes as, "Life coaching with a focus on grief and substance use disorder (SUD) family recovery." Additionally, he serves as SADOD's Peer Greif Support Program Coordinator, The Sun Will Rise Support Group Facilitator, and Coping After Suicide Support Group Facilitator.
Before his career in outreach, Lipstein harnessed his passion for food service and his ability to work with a wide array of personalities into a successful career in hospitality management.
In 2011, however, that life was upended when his son, Josh, died by suicide. “That changed my entire life’s focus,” Lipstein says. “I was drawn to helping people the way people helped me.”
Lipstein sought counseling immediately, having learned from past experience that the grief after the death of a loved one is a tough burden to bear. At the age of five, he lost his grandmother, with whom he was very close. Then, in his late 20s, his mother passed away unexpectedly. “When Josh died, I knew I needed help. I knew I couldn’t do it alone.”
Lipstein enlisted the help of a professional grief counselor which eventually led to his work with outreach organizations. “I went to one-on-one counseling once a week for two years,” he says. “At that same time, I got connected with TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) via phone and six months later, I attended my first meeting.”
A Vital Find
Lipstein’s TAPS outreach coordinator recommended that he attend a TAPS Suicide Survivors Seminar in Colorado Springs. “I went with zero expectations,” he begins. “But when I walked into a room of over 300 people who all had the same problem as me, I felt immediately comfortable. I had found my tribe and I wanted as much TAPS as I could get.”
Soon after, Lipstein attended another TAPS seminar for those bereaved by all causes of death. The event was held in his hometown of Philadelphia. At this point, he began to see a future for himself in the world of outreach and peer support. “I could see myself working with TAPS,” he says.
After a year of attending TAPS events, Lipstein was asked to speak at the VA/DOD Suicide Prevention Conference. There were 1000+ U.S. Military higher-ups in attendance. “It gave me a sense of pride. I felt that I was honoring Josh’s life and turning his loss into something positive. I was healing by offering support to other survivors but I was taking a chance too. Eventually, little by little, my grief began to melt away.”
New Directions
Lipstein’s career in hospitality ended amicably, and he began working as a Peer Mentor Coordinator for TAPS. “I was hired into a new position created for me focused on suicide loss survivors,” he explains. “The first few calls I had to make I was a nervous wreck, but I would simply call these folks and speak with them, and the conversation evolved naturally.”
Next, TAPS assigned Lipstein to a series of seminars where he was the only suicide survivor on staff. “These helped build my confidence,” he explains. “A lot of people were able to open up and share their experiences with me.”
Through this process, Lipstein noticed that men were much more reluctant to attend seminars, and even when they were present, they were less likely to open up than their female counterparts. “Oftentimes, their spouses would drag them there,” he says. This prompted him to expand his focus from one-on-one survivor outreach to also include survivor care. He created the TAPS Men’s Video Chat, which began humbly and grew quickly. “At the first meeting, we had five men, but by the end of the year we had 20 men showing up two times a month. We were focused on getting men involved with their grief and sure enough, they really started flocking to the group.”
A Matter of Heart
Reflecting on his journey, Lipstein sees powerful blessings amid the tragedy of losing his son. “It’s helped me find my purpose in life,” he begins. “It was all kind of guiding me to do this grief work. When Josh died, I knew I had to find a way to turn his tragic loss of life into something positive.”
“I thought it was going to be more challenging than it was but I was guided. It felt like I was led to this place. Although my heart was broken, at the same time it really opened up and I started leading with my heart as opposed to my head.”
“Up until that point, I was being guided by my thoughts or my brain but then my heart took over which really opened up another realm of my life. Josh’s death is when my life changed.”
As a survivor, Lipstein has developed an attuned sense of empathy for others who have lost a loved one. “I can recognize the same situation in others,” he says. “When doing this work, I can almost feel when someone else is being guided by their heart. As a matter of fact, a lot of people who are doing this type of work are being led by their hearts.”
Important Considerations
Lipstein recalls the initial days of shock after the death of his loved ones, and offers time-tested advice for the newly bereaved. “At first, the pain is so great that it is really hard to know what is going on. At first, we’re in a state of shock and when it wears off, unfortunately the pain can be felt more acutely. Grief is a time when you really have to be gentle with yourself and be kind to yourself, allow yourself the feelings, whatever they may be. It could be anger, shame, guilt – a whole host of emotions come up and it’s OK. You’re not crazy, this is normal grief and it is helpful for many people to connect with other survivors who have experienced a similar loss.”
“That would be where peer support comes in,” he continues. “I think there is a place for professional support as well – they go hand in hand. You can benefit from both. Generally, a professional may not be able to relate to your situation, but they will help guide you to a safe space. A peer will be able to sit with you in that space that doesn’t feel very safe. But, they may or may not be able to guide you out of that space, but at least you know you’re not alone and that they are there with you.”
“Try to be gentle with those who want to help but don’t know how. They mean well, but they don’t know because maybe they haven’t experienced tragic loss. I looked at that as an opportunity to educate people, because I didn’t want them to have to know the pain that I was in, rather than get upset with them because they accidentally said something insensitive."
Lipstein is also quick to point out the importance of locating a peer support group that is right for you. “Finding organizations such as SADOD and getting connected to all of the support that is available through the organization is a great start at finding healing,” he says. “The Sun Will Rise is another helpful group. There are many organizations out there that are truly there to support us in grief. People need to seek them out, follow their heart and figure out what resonates with them. There are lots of options out there, and grieving people need to try and be good to themselves and allow themselves to receive support.”
If you would like to contact Don Lipstein, you can do so here: 302-690-0952, ImagineFamilyRecovery.net, [email protected], and linkedin.com/in/dlips.