Mother of Nine Writes Through Grief
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.” — C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Sheryl Holmes is a warrior in the battle to maintain purpose, perspective, and motivation in the face of grief.
Recently, Holmes and her family spent their fifth Christmas without Caleb, one of her nine children. He passed away from an accidental overdose on May 27, 2018.
Since then, Holmes has processed her loss through various pursuits and philosophies while coping with the short-term, long-term, and unexpected aspects of grief.
Share the Love
In her grief journey, Holmes is focused on dealing with a universally important question. “What do you do with the loss of your child?” she asks. “Because it leaves a hole in your heart and in your family. You focus on whatever love and whatever things you would have done for your child, and you give or do them for somebody else,” she says. “After my son died, I kept in contact with a couple of his sober house buddies, and we followed through with them.
“I am happy to say that both of them now are successfully living out of a sober house and they are speakers at meetings,” Holmes continues. “One of them is married with a child and another is on the way and the other just got engaged. We invested time in them. We would have them over for meals, check in with them, we hired them to do yard work, we helped one with finances when he was low on rent money. These are things we would have done for our son, and we did them for someone else who needed that little spur that someone cares.”
“Another thing that has helped me is writing,” Holmes continues. “It’s a cathartic thing for me and when I am going through an event in my grief process, I figure someone else is too. What is in my heart is what I write about,” she says.
A Culmination of Experience
Holmes is currently in the editing phase of a soon-to-be-published book about Caleb and his experiences entitled, Nose to Nose. The book is a dual narrative that creates parallels between the various stages of the Christian gospel and Caleb’s life while bringing to light the many ways of remembering the deceased. “I tell a tale of his journey with addiction until his death, juxtaposed with a gospel message,” she says. “Also intertwined in that are a lot of his personal stories.”
“People who are caught by addiction and suffer with it are just like you, just like me,” she says. “They are real people, they have the same kinds of experiences all of us do except they suffer from addiction, so the purpose is to tell a message of hope while trying to beat down the stigma that they are somehow not good people.”
Filling A Void
Holmes explains part of her inspiration for writing Nose to Nose was spurred by the severe lack of literature on the topic of grief. “When I was first grieving,” she begins, “I was in search of books, and they were few and far between. There was a lack of books that were specific to substance use-related death. That’s why I started writing. I am hoping to publish by spring,” she explains.
In her search for books on grief, Holmes mentions A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. “It’s really good,” she says. “It was, in fact, the only grief book that spoke to me.”
One of Holmes’ numerous goals as an author is to de-stigmatize society’s perception of substance use. These sentiments are documented in her blog, In the Battle which is rendered in Holmes’ personal style of fierce, direct eloquence. Holmes’ writing carries an undercurrent of her faith and the important role it plays in her grief journey. “Faith has been a huge part of me finding peace about all of this upheaval. If it wasn’t for my faith,” she continues, “I would be, like I know many others are, with a sense of hopelessness.”
Sound Advice
For people who are newly bereaved due to a substance use-related death, Holmes offers sound, step-by-step advice.
“One, let yourself feel the pain,” she begins. “Don’t try to hide it, stuff it, or ignore it.”
“Two, understand it’s not your fault – I think that’s a huge one because we all think we could have, we should have done things differently. That’s a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down. Parents and loved ones of people who are addicted do everything in their power according to their understanding or their resources to help their loved one. But the person who is addicted makes the choice to accept help or they don’t and it’s not anything you can control. Unfortunately, it’s up to the person to come to the place where they acknowledge they have a problem, and they need help. Don’t play the blame game.”
“Three, take time to do things as you are ready for them. A lot of people feel pressure to clean out the clothes and clean out the room from outside people who don’t understand. “For some, you’re ready to do it after a few weeks or a month or so. For other people it might take six months to a year. There’s no right time to progress and to get rid of things or pass things along or whatever you’re going to do with them.”
Holmes offers additional advice for the newly bereaved. “Be prepared for triggers,” she begins. “My son used to work for the local farm supply in town. He drove a truck and made deliveries. It was months later, and I was in town, and I saw one of the trucks and in it was one of the guys Caleb used to make deliveries with, and it just hit,” she says. “I thought I had moved forward in my grief but all of a sudden a trigger like that can throw you back.”
Matters of Perspective
Amid an incredibly busy life, Holmes explains that she finds time for herself. “I walk, hike, swim, take time to get away from the responsibilities and the weights that are on your shoulders. And take time away from trying to carry everyone else’s grief. For instance, I’m a mom and I have eight other kids who are also grieving. But I have to take the time out for myself to meditate on things and not try to fix everybody else’s grief process. And still, I think some of them are still grieving because they didn’t really deal with it at first. That’s mostly the younger kids,” she explains.
Holmes sums up the longevity and severity of grief, whether it is in the ongoing sense or if it sneaks up on. “It’s not that you haven’t progressed in your grieving, it’s more a representation of how much you loved your child, or your spouse, or your friend.”