Bereaved Person’s Guide to Holiday Survival
By Kerry J. Bickford, Grandparent Peer Grief Support Specialist, former Editor, VOICES Newsletter
November is here, and the gratitude posts are beginning to surface. I am referring to the social media trend where people post something they are thankful for every day through Thanksgiving. For someone who is grieving, this can be depressing. How do we reckon with gratitude while facing an intrusion of images that stir up the reality of enduring another holiday without our loved ones?
In the early days of losing someone, navigating this void is unimaginable. Holidays, with their insistence upon joyfulness and family gatherings, tend to accentuate every aspect of grief. This can further agitate those who are already working hard to find a light in the darkness of despair.
As families and friends come together to celebrate, the absence will be felt regardless of how we deal with it. That missing face, laugh, presence is an unbearable reminder of what has been lost, and it’s hard to know whether to fill it with something else or avoid it completely.
Many have blazed this trail before us and have offered wisdom, including Katie Couric. In a 2017 Time magazine article she offered actionable advice after surviving 19 years of holidays after her husband, Jay’s death:
“Ever since Jay got sick, I have been keenly aware that there are those for whom Christmas cheer is elusive and whose days are far from merry and bright. They might be next to you, picking out an ornament or tying a tree on the roof of their car. They could be ordering a standing rib roast from the butcher or watching their child perform in a fourth-grade assembly or growing impatient when they can’t reach their carry-on in the overhead compartment. They are all around, bravely holding on to the present and terrified about the future.
“If you know them, intrude on their privacy by reaching out, even if they turn you away. If you don’t know anyone who fits into this category, say a silent prayer for them, wish them strength and what Emily Dickinson described as ‘the thing with feathers’: hope. And if you’re lucky enough to have your health and the health of those you love, look around, soak it in and take a moment to give thanks.”
As a bereaved parent, I wrote the following article in the Thanksgiving, 2020 edition of the VOICES Newsletter. It describes how we navigated the absence of our son, and I think it might resonate with many of you who have lost a beloved one to SUD. A year later, I wrote about balancing gratitude and grief, and I reference them here in case you are a new subscriber to the VOICES Newsletter.
Yet another article by Mikala Jamison (The Atlantic) poignantly describes surviving the very first holiday without a loved one -- for those of you who may have recently entered that space. Additionally, this practical list from Psychology Today is ideal for anyone who wants to include a missing loved one in the holiday gatherings:
1. Light a candle or say a prayer for them. Share a story about them and ask everyone to do the same. It can even be a funny story. This is a way to pay tribute to the loss while honoring their place in your lives.
2. Make your loved one’s favorite dish or recipe, and name it for them (Grandma’s rice pudding). Include it in your menu for the future.
3. Repeat a tradition that your loved one may have started or liked. For example, if they always gave a certain toast, give that toast in their honor.
4. Show pictures of them.
These are a few simple examples of how we can include those who are gone rather than burying these precious memories in the past. None of these suggestions are exclusive and there are one hundred others, including the practicing of gratitude.
I’ve begun to realize that, for me, gratitude is taking a moment to acknowledge life’s blessings. These can include my grandchildren's resilience, my dogs that provide constant companionship, the nearby bogs that offer a place to walk and process the highs and lows of my life, the steady love of my husband, and my friends who show up despite my imperfections. A million other tiny moments like these hold all the devastating ones together like glue. That’s the best I can do. To all who are struggling and think you’re alone, you are not.
Please consider attending a peer grief support holiday ZOOM meeting where you are allowed to feel the way you feel and can be supported by others who are walking in your shoes. There are many meetings, and you can find one near you on the SADOD support group locator website.
Whatever you decide to do, we will be here in the days, weeks, and months to come. You can count on that.
May you be surrounded by peace this holiday season and enveloped in memories of love.