Not Too Late for Fitting Remembrance

Not Too Late for Fitting Remembrance

By Kerry J. Bickford, VOICES Editor

Since March of 2020, death and dying have played a prominent role in our everyday lives. As COVID-19 wreaked havoc and tragedy, claiming hundreds of thousands of victims in the United States alone, more than 93,000 people died from drug overdoses in 2020, according to the CDC’s Provisional Drug Overdose Death Counts, the largest ever one-year total of overdose deaths.

Funeral homes scrambled to help bury beloved ones under new and strictly regulated conditions. When a person died, only immediate family were allowed to attend memorial services and even then, social distancing measures prohibited physical contact. This resulted in many families being forced to cremate or bury the deceased’s remains, with the most limited options for visitation and memorialization, often leaving them feeling alone and without support, at a time they craved it most.

Many people who attend our peer  grief support groups have expressed their regret over not giving their loved ones a proper funeral, noting how isolating the experience was within the guidelines. Friends and coworkers could not pay their last respects and exchange stories, which often provide the family with much comfort -- or even a smile or two. They could write notes and drop food off, but without the accompanying visit or hug that is customary at such a time. One mother described standing at her son’s grave as she saw her Learn to Cope group members gathered a great distance from her “to show their support.” While this was comforting, it was also painful as she yearned for their physical presence to be so much closer.

As I listened to bereaved family members recall their isolation in grief, I wondered how I could help. Though we could not turn back the clock, was it possible to reinvent condolences and rituals to reflect a less rigid timeline and allow mourning to unfold when loved ones are able and ready? 

My son died in 2018, and we took over a month to plan a memorial service that was entirely personal and included many important people in his life. It was comforting to me then and still is now as I recall the words of my sister and his doctor who both eulogized him, a colleague and friend whose words are still etched in my heart, two Irish violin pieces played by my son’s niece and a poem recited by his nephew. We handed out tiny packets of forget-me-not seeds with his name on them that people still send us photos of each year as they begin to bloom. Each of these offerings made his memorial service something that I still look back on and remember with enormous comfort. Part of the success was that we didn’t rush to do this, and we took the time to make it more personal and memorable. 

I believe that COVID-19 has offered us an opportunity to do things differently. Even if your loved one died a year ago, there is an opportunity to mark the anniversary or birthday or to simply plan a gathering to remember the person who is no longer among us in a physical sense. The traditional timeline is not etched in stone, and current realities allow families to think about and design something that can still offer comfort, a smile, and that long-overdue hug.

I reached out to a local funeral director, which resulted in the following story. I was fascinated and intrigued by the many ways she cares for families who have suffered a loss and how she tries to incorporate every ounce of the deceased person’s life into their service. I realized how little I knew about rituals and memorials outside of the minimal experiences I have had, so this was truly eye-opening.

If you or someone you know is in the position of regretting the absence of a celebration of a loved one’s life, please read on and consider whether this makes sense for you. The bottom line is that many people can help you plan a fitting remembrance, even if it is one, two or five years later.