Tyler Pressley and Emily Koen at Mount Greylock
He Changed My View of Life — and Death
By Kerry J. Bickford, VOICES Editor and Emily Koen, Guest Contributor
On February 20, 2014, one month into a three-month jail sentence for her second DUI and possession of drugs, Emily Koen found herself in the middle of what she refers to as her “moment of surrender.” Her husband and parents refused to bail her out, recognizing that she had finally gone off “the deep end,” so Emily was forced to detox heroin and methamphetamine alone and confined to a cell. It was a wake-up call that eventually led her to design her own recovery program and eventually to her current job as program director and therapist at Clearhaven Recovery Center in Waltham. She’s soared through highs and suffered lows throughout her journey but has always figured out a way to move forward without losing focus on what is most important.
Emily’s story began at age 13 in Salem, when she began “smoking weed and drinking.” She recognized early on that she was obsessed with experiencing the relief and high that came from alcohol and drugs. By the time she realized that what she thought was just normal behavior had become overpowering and wasn’t able to stop it by just sheer desire alone, it was too late. Her drug use led to blackouts, countless in-patient treatment centers and detoxes, alarming weight loss and physical degradation, legal consequences, and shameful acts to get her next fix. But nothing could slow her down. “Nothing could stop me,” she said, “not even the loss of friends to this disease or the birth of my own daughter.”
Surrendering to the disease and making a commitment to sobriety resulted in a new life, but not one without obstacles, as Emily moved through multiple recovery programs and sober living homes. The experience taught her important lessons about growing up that she had missed while she was using.
When she finally committed to sobriety, Emily developed a holistic approach to her recovery goals. She built her foundation on the 12-step program of AA and incorporated yoga in a mind-body-centered approach to recovery. As she became increasingly invested in getting healthy, she simultaneously navigated barriers resulting from years of active addiction. She got involved with The Phoenix, where she was introduced to more healthy outlets that helped her become stronger physically and emotionally while connecting her to an empowering community of other sober people who had the same mindset. Emily worked there for years, obtaining her 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training certification and Climbing Wall Instructor certification. She also earned a bachelor’s and master’s degree in social work, welcoming two more children in the process. Emily shared that “aside from all of the physical accomplishments in my life, nothing compares to the joy of being a mother and being able to be present for the most important people in my life. I am so grateful to be able to be the best mom I can be for the three of them and enjoy the beauty of their innocence and playfulness every day, something I wouldn’t be able to do without my recovery.” Nothing could stop her now.
But not everything was perfect. Her struggle with addiction and her husband’s PTSD from serving in Afghanistan twice, each played a role in the breakdown of their marriage -- and they divorced. Despite that, Emily remained committed to 12-step meetings, Learn To Cope, therapy, her children and general physical health and self-care. She took what worked for her and turned it into a blueprint that offers hope and healing to others at Clearhaven, the outpatient recovery program she runs, which also offers rock climbing, boxing, nutrition, mindfulness and yoga along with the 12 steps “by the book” and traditional clinical groups centered around coping skills, recovery maintenance and cognitive-behavioral therapy approaches.
Then Emily unexpectedly met Tyler, who was also in recovery, in the fall of 2020 and “a cosmic pull” drew them together. They made an instant connection, “He completely changed my perspective on life. He was 100 percent supportive and constantly encouraged me to follow my heart and dreams, always reminding me of my greatness,” said Emily. What she knows now that she didn’t know then is that she was only at the beginning of her journey -- while Tyler was at the end of his. He was struggling in his own recovery, but she loved him unconditionally up until his death by overdose on May 23.
While she actively grieves Tyler’s death Emily has insight into this brief but powerful relationship. She firmly believes that they were put into each other’s lives for a reason, even if they were not meant to have more time together. She is coping with this loss by paying attention to her spiritual life, which helps her feel more connected to Tyler, but in a completely different way. Her job is a lifeline as are the people she works with and close friends and family, including Tyler’s. The last few months have been “surreal,” but while she continues to grieve, she also lives. “I think the biggest support in coping with his death are my beliefs about what happens when someone dies,” Emily said. She continues to receive signs from Tyler, who, she says, “would want me to be happy and living life to the fullest, I know it would crush him to see me spiral because of losing him.” Hiking, rock climbing, and journaling are some of the rituals that help get her through her grief as she continues to move forward one day at a time.
Emily is fiercely committed to her sobriety and to her job helping others with her successful routine of combining the 12 steps with physical and spiritual activity -- the key that unlocked her miraculous recovery. Her ability to continue to maintain focus amid the tragedy of losing the love of her life is a testimony to the strength of her fierce commitment to sobriety. “Not only did he change my perspective on life, but also on death, a reminder of how precious and fleeting our lives truly are, I want to honor our love in a way that would still put a smile on his face because he truly gave me the greatest gift I could have ever imagined to receive in this lifetime.”
Emily is reminded daily that not every story has a completely happy ending, but that has not distracted her from what is most important. There is a new beginning for every ending, and she is living proof.