Survival & Forgiveness Go Hand in Hand
By Kerry J. Bickford, VOICES Editor
When Kim Rockwood’s first child was born in 1991, her husband was in the delivery room, their marriage was rock solid, and they were living their dream. By 1995 when her second child was born, it was quite another story. This time, Kim said, her husband was in a bar drinking, doing lines of cocaine when he came to the hospital -- and then went AWOL. Kim was left behind with two young children and a broken heart.
She couldn’t understand how this man she cherished could just give them all up for crack (cocaine), so she decided to try it herself in a moment of weakness. She immediately fell into an almost 20-year abyss of addiction and despair, eventually losing custody of her beloved children to the Department of Children & Families. Her family disowned her, going so far as to tell her children that she had died.
Kim struggled through detox multiple times.
“Rehab, OD, heart attack -- been there done that,” she said
In the spring of 2008, Kim’s estranged husband was diagnosed with cancer and continued to use drugs and alcohol until it was too late for lifesaving treatment. When he finally went back to the doctor, the melanoma had spread to his lymph nodes, and there was nothing left but palliative care. Kim, a certified nursing assistant, brought him home -- caring for him until his death.
“It was a turning point for me when I lost him for a second time,” she said. “He was a sweet person -- a really good person.” That’s who I married, and that’s the person he was at the end. It made me want to be the person I had been before my own addiction. I didn’t want addiction to define me, and I didn’t want to die.”
Although she knew that the odds were against her, she began her own recovery journey in 2009, beginning with medication for addiction treatment. During this time she completed a bachelor's degree in nursing and did everything she could to move her life forward. By 2014, she had quit drugs totally.
In 2016, Kim’s mother suffered a massive heart attack and stroke, and Kim was in good enough shape to go to Georgia and take care of her until the end of her life, despite the rejection during the years of Kim’s active addiction. She didn’t waste time feeling sorry for herself; she just focused on making things right and forged ahead.
“I can’t give you the answer as to what made me fight through all this and stay clean, but I did,” said Kim. “I didn’t want to die, and I didn’t want my children to live through yet another horror story. They had watched their father die, and they lost me for a while, too.”
But at this point, her daughter’s life was unraveling, and in 2017, Kim took legal guardianship of three of her grandchildren, Cooper, now 5, Alex, now 7, and Aiden, now 8 -- without hesitation or blame. Her youngest grandchild, Myles (age one and a half), is living with his mom, and Kim is doing everything she can to support her, including paying for her apartment and a minivan. Kim says she puts all her strength “into fixing what I broke.”
“I had been a lousy mom,” she explained. My daughter was 12 when her father died, and then she lost me. While her issues are not addiction-related, she is dealing with the fallout."
The grit that motivated Kim to maintain her recovery from this insidious disease while forgiving her husband, her mother and her family is nothing short of remarkable. She has continued to maintain her sobriety while supporting her daughter and advocating for three of her four grandchildren, who are struggling with autism, ADD and hearing impairment. Kim personifies the meaning of “digging deep” every single day of her life and says she couldn’t do it all without the help of her boyfriend.
When she is not advocating for her own family, Kim plans activities for custodial grandparents in her community to create a sense of connection, with help from the Commission on the Status of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. This includes facilitating two grandparent support groups in Worcester and South Central Massachusetts. Kim has been a source of strength to many of these families during the COVID-19 epidemic and has responded to their needs while juggling her own. She shrugs off any praise or accolades while moving forward with persistence and determination.
Kim might not think of herself as a hero, but those around her do -- and to say she has survived the odds is an understatement. She is living proof that recovery is possible.
Today, Kim says she tries “to be the best possible version of myself, not only for my own children and grandchildren but for anyone out there who just needs a little hope and inspiration If my story helps only one person, then it's a story worth telling. and none of this has been in vain.”