Social Worker Helps Grieving Children
By Luke Schmaltz, VOICES Newsletter Editor
Maureen Patterson-Fede is the program manager for the Good Grief Program at Boston Medical Center (BMC). In her role, she oversees a team of social workers dedicated to helping families with children who are struggling with a loss, most commonly the death of a loved one such as a parent, sibling, or close family friend.
Additionally, Patterson-Fede works with the Child Witness to Violence Project, also facilitated by BMC, which helps young children who have been exposed to various forms of violence and trauma.
Rise to the Challenge
Patterson-Fede started working at BMC 10 years ago. “I did not necessarily come into this work with open arms,” she says. “I was perhaps pushed into it. I always had the inclination to work with kids who have been exposed to trauma, although the work can be particularly challenging. A lot of us don’t know what to say or what to do, especially when it comes to a child. That felt particularly overwhelming and intimidating to me. But, as I had more opportunities for internship and to partner with families who were grieving, the less I ran from it and the more at ease I felt.”
“We work with a families who have experienced death due to homicide or suicide,” Patterson-Fede explains. “We work with families where there is a loss related to substance use, an overdose death, or an adult’s use that has led that child to be living somewhere else. We also work with families who have experienced medical losses such as a death due to cancer, heart disease, or accidents.”
First-Hand Grief
Patterson-Fede cites strong mentorship along with personal experience as the blend of influences that guided her career path. She recalls a life-changing situation where her profession crossed paths with her personal life. “In 2017,” she begins, “My father was diagnosed with a really aggressive form of brain cancer and within three months, he died.”
“That loss shook me and my family to the core.” she continues. “I had this sense of, ‘Oh my gosh, how the heck am I going to do this?’” Luckily, her work provided a community of colleagues who knew the territory well and could help her move forward. Through this experience, she learned to hold space for her own grief while working to help others through theirs by not denying, but rather embracing her emotions.
During this time, Patterson-Fede learned to enact self-care while continuing to help families deal with loss and trauma. “It took some time to sit with it, to process it all, and to have some space from other stories of grief while I was in the depths of my own. It also helped me understand the power of being there to bear witness to somebody, to hear and hold their story, to be curious, to ask questions about their loved one, and to hold space for them.”
Talking About Loss
In her grief journey, Patterson-Fede relied on her personal circle of support. “Family and friends have always been important to me,” she says, “I have a lot of folks who are really interconnected. Plus, I had a great relationship with my dad, and we talk about him quite frequently. I have two kids who were born after his death, but they know of him, and they talk about him, so his memory is still alive within our family. To be able to share his story and have others share their story about him is really important to me. The way we celebrate him is to talk about him.”
“It can be really hard to practice what you preach. Being able to do this gives me such an intense amount of respect for families who come and seek us out for support. Being able to live out what we talk to families about doing in their own homes is really important to me.”
Know Your Limits
“In this work, you need to be mindful of what your limits are and where they are. If a situation is too similar to your own, you may not be the right person to support that family at that particular time.” After her bereavement leave from work, Patterson returned and encountered exactly that. “I had been back and was working with families when we received a referral for a really young family. The father of that family had died of brain cancer. That was one of those situations where I was like, ‘Oh gosh, this story is a little too close for me to hold right now.’”
“Most families we are working with who are grieving need connection, they need a place where they can lay out what’s in their hearts and what’s in their minds. Being able to facilitate some of those avenues for dialogue can be really meaningful. This aspect really helped me ease more into the work with kids and families.”
Relating to Children
“Therapeutic intervention with kids is best received as support from people who are most involved in their lives,” Patterson-Fede says. “When they are supported, heard, and validated is when they do best. First and foremost, grief is natural, it is normal. The way we respond when there is a void as a result of a death, or a separation is a natural process.”
“Often, when we don’t acknowledge it or talk about it, that can create loneliness and isolation when what is needed is a sense of belonging. When we take the perspective of, ‘What do kids have to gain by talking about their grief?’ It is trust and predictability, though there has been a loss, even a significant one, it lets them know who the people are in their lives they can talk to about hard things.”
“When we, as adults, are sharing information with kids, it lays the groundwork to say, ‘Hey, you can also tell me how you are doing.’ That piece of trust is really paramount, and we’ve seen the flipside of that, when something isn’t discussed or when kids receive false information about something, even if it is done in a protective way, it carries an impact on the relationship.”
“If a child has been told, ‘dad is away’ and not, ‘dad has died,’ what happens when that child finds out? It can be protective for a child to know the truth no matter how hard it is. To have someone say, ‘We are in this together and we are going to figure it out together’ is a great way to figure out what a child needs and how to give it to them.”
Patterson emphasizes how establishing rapport with a grieving child can be a tricky endeavor. “There is never going to be a perfect time,” she says. “For adults who are talking with kids about difficult topics, the expectations we put on ourselves should be really human. It is hard and you may cry, it may take you a minute to get your words out because you may have some pretty big feelings about this. When adults model, ‘This is hard for me, and I am still figuring out a way to tell you this information,’ it can be really powerful.”