Celebrate Memories to Fill the Void
By Kerry Bickford, SADOD Grandparent Peer Grief Specialist
Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries…these are a few of the crucial occasions that once brought so much anticipatory joy, but can be filled with grief after a loved one dies.
It’s a topic that comes up often in support groups as someone is always walking around in that space. It’s the elephant in the room. Where else can you announce, “If I seem off, it’s because I am. My son would have turned 35 years old today.”
The outpouring of empathy when this happens is a testimony to the healing power of peer grief support. Someone might say, “Tell us what you would do to celebrate if he were here,” while someone else might ask, “What are you going to do to celebrate now that he is not here?” A conversation follows with other group members talking about how they have survived their own difficult moments, with concrete suggestions for getting through them. Before you know it, they have their phones out. They are sharing photos of a butterfly release or a Chinese lantern rising slowly over the water on a moonlit night floating up into the stars. In one instance, a mother shared how she donates a supply of clothing and food cards to her son’s former treatment clinic on his birthday, which fills her heart to know that others will benefit from this memorial gift of love. Another parent throws a pizza party at a recovery home every year with birthday cake and hats. Somehow, these continued rituals help reduce the sting of the loss and help fill the void in our hearts. It gives us hope that someone else might have a brighter day in their memory.
Then, there is the empty space at the holiday table. Some families set a place for their loved ones and this becomes sacred. Others have a special memorial candle or ritual to remind them of those who are no longer gathered around, and as sad as this moment is, it is important to those who are grieving the loss of their beloved person. It acknowledges the absence without dwelling on it and honors the life and the loss before the group moves on to share a meal or celebrate a milestone. It’s such a simple, inclusive way to remember those who are no longer with us, and it’s somewhat comforting to know that when our turn comes, we will not be forgotten.
Whatever people choose to do, it means something to them. Plant a flower, make a donation, throw a family party and share memories, take a trip together, hike a trail, look at old albums and reminisce. Many places offer memorial bricks or boards on a boardwalk. Write their name in the sand, plant some beautiful flowers or a shrub, and watch it grow over the years.
As witnesses, we must remember that we don’t have to like or understand someone’s choice to commemorate their departed one out loud. It is not up to us to judge how someone else is moving through their grief journey or to throw up barriers.
A woman recently told me that she is not allowed to talk about her loved one or mention his name when she is with her family. After that, she made the painful decision to exclude herself from family gatherings wherein her son’s memory was not welcome. Additionally, she made it clear in her own invitations that he would be remembered and there would be pictures all around. She created boundaries that invited or excluded her family from her life, leaving the door open for them to reconsider their positions.
It is not always easy to walk others through our grief or for them to understand what we are going through unless they have experienced it themselves. That is the key that unlocks the peer group mission – because everyone in the group has experienced a loss and is there to talk about it. At the very least, your heart is welcome to remember your loved one at a meeting, where conversation and memories are welcome and where there is always a place for your loved one’s memory in the circle.