Bereaved Dad Tackles Grief, Regret
When Alan Pedersen’s daughter, Ashley, died in a car accident in 2001, he was plagued with self-incrimination. Like most of us, he examined every memory and wondered how he could have changed the outcome. It’s a common reaction as the “movies” play over and over in our heads, but it only makes us feel worse -- and it doesn’t bring them back. What it does is keep us stuck, and it makes it difficult for us to remember the good times.
Pedersen, former president of The Compassionate Friends, decided to do something about the regrets that haunted him, and in so doing, he has helped thousands of others as he tours the country spreading the message about self-healing. He tells stories, including his own, through songs and music and leaves participants with a worksheet to create a similar journey to self-healing with several step-by-step exercises. These are healing techniques that invite us to revisit and balance painful memories with insight by allowing ourselves an opportunity to explain why we did or didn’t do what we now regret.
Peer grief groups have become a significant source of comfort for loved ones who have lost someone to a substance-related death. It is a stigma- and judgment-free zone where survivors are free to express the most troubling details of their loss and where support is both given and received. Even so, devastated loved ones often can’t shake the feeling of what they could or should have done that might have made a difference. Logic rarely comforts someone who is suffering from self-imposed feelings of blame and regret.
Pedersen suggests that we try exploring such feelings with a self-help plan focused on taking action. We can’t change what was, but we can learn to find peace by forgiving ourselves for choices we made in the past.
If this resonates with you, please take the time to walk through these self-directed exercises, which are designed to help you remember the good times as well as the hard ones. You will get an opportunity to write your loved one a letter and say anything that was left unsaid or apologize for things you did or said that you wish you hadn’t. Either way, it’s a potential blueprint for self-healing at your own pace to help you gain insight into choices you made so you can live with them as you remember your loved one.